Moon of Affirmation, Initiator Role, Elder, Butterlfy Clan or Turtle Gate?

Being a Gemini, I have a really hard time with making choices. On the Medicine Wheel, this has to do with the Moon of Affirmation and the ability to say "NO". At two years of age and again at age 15, 28, 41, 54, 67, 80... we have the opportunity to look at these issues again and again... not to mention that we go through the Moon Cycles every year. Although we are not in this moon right now, I am feeling it an issue for me.... 

With so many people going one way, I always seem to be going the opposite. The latest is that our Tribe is doing a Fitness Challenge to lose weight and get in shape for our power walk at the upcoming Shamanic Retreat in the Mountains. Well, the last thing I need to do is lose weight and I already have a fitness plan in place. 

My dilemna is... do I do what everyone else is doing just to be part of the crowd? If I don't jump on the bandwagon, does that mean I not being collective? Am I being stuck in my own little bubble and not pushing past my comfort zone? 

The others in this fitness challenge are much younger than me. Is it the fact that I am older and less interested in these things? Or am I listening to my body and its needs? I am so busy right now with my writing and want to stay focused. 

I am at the Turtle gate since the Blue Moon and at the Winter Solstice, I made the wish to work on my book. I have just begun to do that and was being really focused when this big challenge thing started. It has challenged me to stand in my truth and know what is right for me. Why is this so hard to do?

Looking at my Moons of Affirmation, my Initiator Role and Butterfly Clan as well as the Gate I am at for the next three years is helping me to figure things out. Writing about it is helping me too. 

My 2nd Moon has been terribly broken my entire life, I have the hardest time not only making choices, but trusting them after I make them... I second guess myself. It drives me crazy, and others too no doubt.

As an Initiator, I had a lesson at one workshop with Lisa and Gerard that showed me that when I am in this Role, I am outside the wheel. Again I feel like an outsider and alone. Lisa said, "It is okay to be alone". Initiator is my center role and it is important for me to honor it. 

As Butterfly Clan, not to mention that  my Firekeeper is also a Buttefly, I am always being blown about by the slightest wind or distraction that comes along. I start out focused and end up going somewhere or doing something totally different because I get swept up in the plans of others. 

Last but not least... I am at the Turtle Gate, a place of renewal, where I need to strong in MY story and not let the opinions and actions of others take me in a different direction. This is a huge challenge for me! I want to be liked, I want to be collective, I want to belong, to be part of the group... but I also want to be myself, to be where I am and who I am without having to feel like I doing something wrong! 

This touches a nerve for me. You can add "Christian Indoctrinations" to the title of this post. There is a program in me that says if I don't play along, follow others, do what I am told... etc... I am doing something wrong. If everyone else is going one way and I am going another, they must know or have something I don't know or have. And I want to be part of something bigger than me, something outside of my own little world. But, I need this time of isolation in order to prepare for the next chapter in my life. It is now or never. When Okwaho asked us on Facebook,
If you knew you were going to die in two years, what would you do?" The immediate response I got was, "Write my book"! It felt so urgent that I almost jumped out of my chair.

It is not easy being ME sometimes! But if I don't be ME, I am not being my authentic self and not honoring and loving myself. It is true that sometimes I wish I was like everyone else, that I felt like I belonged in certain groups instead of just putting one foot in.... 

I think it is about the  phase I am in too... after the death of my parents, I still don't know where I belong yet. I was so immersed in the role of caregiver. After letting go of that, I just haven't found a new role, direction or purpose yet.

All I know is that I need to focus on my writing, be at the Turtle gate, and be okay with the fact that most of our tribe is at the Wolf gate. Writing is a lonely occupation. I need to be okay to walk alone for awhile, knowing that I am trusting in my inner guidance and not being blown off course by the slightest wind that comes along.

Hau!

P.S.

The photo of the turtle was taken in Florida at the Seminole Indian Reserve. It was huge and very old... and oddly enough, it was from Africa...Talk about being out of place.....hhmmmmm...... The turtle takes its home wherever it goes. Something for me to think about.