Thursday, June 3, 2010

Journey with my 5th Moon

From my Moon Journal 
(Photo is my Mom & me)


I did some calculations and realized I was mistaken about my dates and ages..... I now believe that I was 5 when I was sexually abused, I had thought I was 6 or 7. It’s all making sense now and becoming clear. I am remembering things again.  It was the year I was supposed to have gone to kindergarten but for some reason they left me out, something about me knowing everything they had to teach, not thinking about my need for the social aspect of it. I felt abandoned somehow. Then I was violently sexually abused. It took me out of my body and back to the source. I stayed there for years, and it was beautiful. My consciousness extended to the furthest reaches of the Universe.

At 18, I had finished the one extra course that I needed to take after grad and moved to Ft. St. John to be with my Mom. I got a job in a small McLeod’s store and joined in with the drinking and partying and sex. I got pregnant and went into shame and despair. Without telling anyone, I took a handful of sleeping pills, thinking that would be the end of my problems. But I woke up the next morning. The thing is that I felt different, more clear and alive. I knew exactly what I had to do, and got out of that town, moved down to Vancouver, had an abortion and began a new life. That was when I joined in the Hippie movement. It was so exciting and wonderful and I felt alive and happy again.
Then at age 31, I got sick and almost died. By age 32, I had surgery where they took out my large colon and gall bladder. It took 2 years of in and out of hospital, and three surgeries later... I learned to overcome the attachments to my body, changed my attitude and breezed through the last surgery by creating a positive attitude and atmosphere around me. I felt in control again.

For me, this Moon of Omnipotence seems to be about life and death, and the limitations of my body, feeling powerless over what happens to it.... yet I seem to come out of it by going to a “higher” place and taking some measure of control.

This morning I woke up feeling clear and renewed, just like I did after the suicide attempt and the last surgery. Tears come as I remember the SOURCE that I existed in as a child. It was that memory that kept me going through all the hardships in my life. It is when I lose that connection that I feel helpless and powerless. That is when I feel heavy and sad in my body. That is what I crave when I lost it – to be one with ALL, to be connected and in POWER. I realize that power is not someone I own or control; it is a gift from the Creator. It is always available to me, but it is not me. It is a Mystery, a Moon, and it belongs to each and every one of us, just in different forms, filtered through our own wheels.  I feel humbled by this knowledge.


WampumBlueRaven said...

This is very raw and powerful posting.
Thank you for sharing

Wheelkeeper said...

Hey Nathalie,

I really enjoy your presence here. It is interesting on some of the comments I had on this post. Although many read my blog, few comment directly, they will email or talk to me in person. I don;t know why people are reluctant to post here. I wish they would so I could know what they are feeling or thinking. But one woman told me that she thought that people would have judgments about the fact that I had an abortion when I was 18. I am not proud of this fact, yet it was a matter of my survival at the time. It was kill us both or have the abortion. I was in a desperate situation and couldn't see any way out.

I should mention that I got to be with the soul of the child I aborted, years later...

I became a nanny for a woman who had a 5 year old. But then she got pregnant again and I spend 1 1/2 years with this child, who I knew was the one. For some reason, she needed me to be with her at the beginning of her life. But I knew that she had a much better life with that family than what I could give her. I felt the contract had been completed in that short time we had together.

If we let go of judgments and accept where life takes us, we live what we are meant to live in the end.



Blog Archive